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Post by Indagatrix on Jul 7, 2006 9:06:30 GMT -5
Place your favorite or worse jokes here...I'll add my cow jokes as I think of them  |
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Post by Eldarion on Jul 7, 2006 9:18:52 GMT -5
omg, do you have any idea what you've unleashed?
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Post by Indagatrix on Jul 7, 2006 10:00:01 GMT -5
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Post by Aerynrox on Jul 7, 2006 11:36:58 GMT -5
This falls into the groaner category: You know, sometimes I get the urge to run around naked.  But then I just drink some Windex.  (wait for it) It keep me from streaking! ;D |
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Post by Fate on Jul 7, 2006 12:19:38 GMT -5
What do cows do for entertainment?
They watch a moo-vie.
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Post by Eldarion on Jul 7, 2006 13:21:42 GMT -5
Attention everyone: please play this file after each of these jokes. |
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Post by Presort on Jul 7, 2006 13:29:20 GMT -5
Attention everyone: please play this file after each of these jokes. I get a denied message. :-( |
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Post by Aerynrox on Jul 13, 2006 12:27:06 GMT -5
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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Post by Fate on Jul 13, 2006 13:09:18 GMT -5
Why di the Chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
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Post by TheUncleanOne on Jul 13, 2006 15:06:10 GMT -5
Well after reading Aeryon's long joke, I remembered a slightly long Jewish joke (edited to be slightly more PG, than the PG-13 version I originally heard):
So Saul, in his 70s and wealthy, decides to marry a young trophy wife. A few weeks after the honeymoon, Saul goes to his Rabbi for advice as he can't satisfy his new wife in the bedroom.
The Rabbi advises Saul to get a young, fit, attractive man to wave a towel next to the bed while the couple are being intimate. Saul finds this advice odd, but doesn't want to question the Rabbi, so he soon hires just such a young man.
Several encounters in the bedroom later, and the wife is still not satisfied. Saul returns to the Rabbi, who insists he try the method one more time. Saul agrees for one final attempt.
Half-way through, with no signs of any change in the wife, Saul stops, gets out of bed, snatches the towel from the young man and instructs him lay with the wife. Saul begins waving the towel as the young man joins the wife in bed, and within minutes the wife's problem is solved.
Saul tosses the towel down in disgust and says, "That's how you've supposed to wave the towel!"
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Post by Indagatrix on Jul 13, 2006 19:42:20 GMT -5
Q: What has four legs, four hands, and four eyes?
A: Four pirates. Arrrgh!
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Post by Aerynrox on Aug 2, 2006 12:47:28 GMT -5
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See, it really does work. You're smiling already. ;D
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Post by laurelin on Aug 2, 2006 15:02:24 GMT -5
Oh dear....you have no idea how many jokes I have stored in my head....we'll start with a short one ;D Three guys die and go to heaven. They're standing in line, waiting to get through the Pearly Gates when St. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The first guy replies, "Well, once or twice. I didn't mean to, and I felt really guilty afterwards...." So, St. Peter says, "You get a Buick to drive", so off drives the first guy in his average buick. Then St. Peter asks the second guy the same question, to which the guy says, "Hell yeah! Every chance I got! I couldn't stand that nag!" St. Peter looks at him and says, "You get a Volkswagon Rabbit to drive". And the guy drives away in his run down Rabbit. Finally, St. Peter asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The third guy looks at St. Peter and says, "Not even once. I loved that woman with my dying breath. I never even thought about being with another". St. Peter says, "Wow! You get a Cadillac to drive!" The third guy climbs in his shiny new Caddy and drives away. A few days later, the first two guys (having a few things in common) where talking through their car windows when they notice the third guy parked on the side of the cloud sobbing. They pull up next to him and ask, "What's wrong? You have the best car on the whole cloud! What could possibly make you cry like that?" The third guy looks up at them and says, "My wife just rode by on a bicycle!" Okay, you're thinking that this wasn't short....trust me, I have longer.  |
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Post by Indagatrix on Aug 2, 2006 15:42:33 GMT -5
lol cute |
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Post by Aerynrox on Aug 22, 2006 12:35:25 GMT -5
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
ONCE UPON A TIME, A GIRL ASKED A GUY, "WILL YOU
MARRY ME?"
THE GUY SAID "NO" AND THE GIRL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND WENT SHOPPING, DRANK MARGARITAS, ALWAYS HAD A CLEAN HOUSE, NEVER HAD TO COOK, STAYED SKINNY, AND FARTED WHENEVER SHE WANTED.
THE END
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Post by Fate on Aug 22, 2006 13:35:02 GMT -5
How could she go shopping if she didn't have her husbands money to spend?  |
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Post by Aerynrox on Aug 22, 2006 13:42:32 GMT -5
LOL, Fate. Touche (picture the accent on the "e")! ;D
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Post by Indagatrix on Sept 7, 2006 11:52:14 GMT -5
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia
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Post by Amaretta on Sept 7, 2006 13:54:23 GMT -5
 Erm, was that the secret cow level?
Moo
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Post by Fate on Sept 7, 2006 22:37:17 GMT -5
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? Milk of Amnesia That was udderly ridiculous. |
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Post by Quintare on Sept 9, 2006 15:32:18 GMT -5
punt
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Post by Indagatrix on Sept 9, 2006 19:35:56 GMT -5
What do call a cow that has just had a calf?
Decalfenated
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Post by Dreamsmith on Sept 14, 2006 21:37:38 GMT -5
Two atoms are sitting around having a conversation when one of them suddenly stops and says, "I think I just lost an electron!"
The other one says, "Are you sure?"
The first one replies, "I'm positive!"
;D
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Post by Indagatrix on Oct 26, 2006 15:11:35 GMT -5
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a night-cap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?"
"No, "she replies. . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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Post by Eldarion on Oct 26, 2006 15:39:27 GMT -5
DOH!
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Post by Fate on Oct 26, 2006 17:53:39 GMT -5
I love it!
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Post by Eldarion on Feb 6, 2007 14:39:27 GMT -5
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
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Post by Indagatrix on Feb 6, 2007 20:17:12 GMT -5
tee hee!
here's one:
What do pirates from Boston say?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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Post by Fate on Feb 7, 2007 12:58:03 GMT -5
tee hee! here's one: What do pirates from Boston say? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hmm. I think only peopel who know about people with Boston accents will get that (they say ca instead of car, right? like ca instead of car) Here is another pirate joke. How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. ;D |
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